if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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