My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
