At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I think my fart just growled at me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
