Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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