I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
