you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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