Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
