I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
