Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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