If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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