I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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