I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
