i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
