I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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