Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
