my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
