Already got asked if we're dating
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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