I swear she didn't look like that last week.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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