I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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