From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
