Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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