She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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