I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
