Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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