I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize