if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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