yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
