Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
