did you get engaged???
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
