And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
