so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
