I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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