I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
