I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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