it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
