The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
