You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
