Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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