i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Four minutes until I can fart!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
