when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
