And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Randomize
