I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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