Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
