He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
