i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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