My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
