I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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