we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
