How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
