you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
When are your genitals available?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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