Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
