Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize