Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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