So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
