i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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