Your mouth is God's brothel.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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