he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
