Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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