i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
