When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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