Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
