There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
