i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
