I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize