Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
